Rum, Comedy and the Lash: Cruise #7: And then there was Rum

Another 9-day run.

In case you're wondering, here's the day-to-day schedule of a seabound improvisor in paradise:

Friday: The United States! Land of Freedom and Democracy!

Itinerary - 9:00 AM Get off the ship, take train to Target
11:00 AM Sit in Holiday Inn Lobby for two hours, pretending to be a customer and leeching free wi-fi.
2:30 PM Six Million Phone Calls
5:30 PM Sailaway. Embark on nine day voyage of magic and wonder

Saturday: Sea Day. The utter vastness of God's creation is too enormous to take in.

9:00 AM Wake up
10:00 AM Discover that "Full House" is on the Crew Channel
10:02 AM Leave Cabin
12:00 - 2:00 PM Work
2:00 - 6:00 PM Read and write on the sun deck
6:03 PM Spa to recharge from all that work

Sunday: Samana. The vibrant wonder of an intricate Caribbean culture.

9:00 AM Wake up
10:00 AM Discover that "King of Queens" is on the Crew Channel
10:01 AM Leave Cabin
10:03 - 11:00 AM Gym
12:01 PM Spa, since everyone else is out exploring this strange new world
4:00 - 5:00 PM Work
6:00 PM Shave for the first time in three days
7:00 - 10:30 PM Work
11:00 PM Much needed drink at the Whiskey Bar after all that work

Monday: Tortola. A sparkling gem in the crown of the British Commonwealth.

8:00 AM Wake up
9:00 AM Discover that "The He-Man Christmas Special" is on the Crew Channel
11:30 AM Leave Cabin
12:00 - 4:00 PM Lounge on the beach on Marina Cay, snorkeling and drinking brain-slapping rum concoctions out of a tin cup
6:00 PM Spa. Still exhausted from work yesterday

Tuesday: Antigua. A rich, glowing tribute to all that is beautiful in nature and the human spirit.

9:00 AM Wake up, swear off Crew Channel, decide to make today a day I'll remember for the rest of my life
10:00 - 6:00 PM Sit in internet cafe
8:00 - 9:30 PM Work
10:00 - 11:30 PM Cocktails with the cast
11:33 - 1:00 AM "He-Man Christmas Special" on Crew Channel

Wednesday: Barbados. The pulsing heart of God's sun-drenched paradise.

9:00 AM Wake up
10:00 AM Discover "Smallville" is on the Crew Channel, inexplicably subtitled in English
10:01 - 10:30 AM Make fun of shoddy subtitling
10:30 AM Realize I'm doing this out loud. Feel stupid
10:33 - 11:30 AM Gym
12:05 PM Go ashore to the boatyard
2:00 PM Crew party. Watch Sam lose a tooth and win a beer-drinking contest. Feel smart.
4:00 PM Spa, for no reason whatsoever

Thursday: St. Lucia. An gorgeous island ripped straight out of a utopian imagination.

9:00 AM Wake up
10:00 AM Can't find remote
10:02 - 12:15 PM Panic
12:16 PM Find remote under couch, decide to clean cabin
10:00 - 11:30 PM Work
11:40 - 2:00 AM Finish cleaning cabin

Friday: Sea Day. The sun begins to set on this magical vacation

9:00 AM Wake up
10:00 AM "Full House" back on the Crew Channel. Close eyes and pretend that Dave Coulier is Man-E-Faces
10:30 - 11:30 AM Gym
12:02 PM Can't find chair on Sun Deck. Decide to look on Deck 15
12:04 PM Suddenly reminded that Deck 15 is "Clothing Optional"
12:06 - 4:00 PM Cry in darkened cabin
4:00 - 5:30 PM Work
6:00 PM Watch snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. Think back to Deck 15. "The horror. The horror."

Saturday: Sea Day. Last day of the cruise, and we're going to make it the best day yet.

9:00 AM Wake up
10:00 AM Vow to watch no more television on the entire cruise
10:05 - 12:30 PM Watch "The Bourne Ultimatum"
1:00 PM Attempt to go to Spa. Flashbacks to Deck 15 in locker-room. Run away
1:15 - 3:45 PM Hide out in library. Discover that my dislike of Robert Ludlum continues unabated
4:00 - 5:30 PM Work
6:00 - 11:00 PM Dinner with the cast
11:00 PM Drinks in the Bliss Ultra Lounge, what the year 2525 would look like if it took place in 1977
1:00 AM Off to bed, prepare myself for another grueling 11-hour workweek.

We hit Marina Cay this week, but I managed to have a working camera this time. The afternoon was spent snorkeling, dodging sea-urchins, and drinking painkillers, a drink that's comprised of coconut milk, orange juice, pineapple juice, and all the rum in the world.